Two years ago today, you left the confines of your hurting body and went to heaven.

Last year, I wrote about the immediate experience.

This year, I just feel a deep and abiding grief, so many thing I still wanted to talk to you about, I did not know enough about you and I am sorry you felt so alone in this world.

We did love you I hope now wherever you are, my Angel Mom, that you are surrounded with an infinite warmth of love and that you look down on us and know how much we miss you and loved you.

I dream of you so often, I hope that is you visiting me.

I hope you have found true warmth, your little body was always so cold at the end.

Your baby misses her mommy and wishes she could see her again. Maybe someday.

I think of you every day and I miss you more not less. I will never forget you, Mom.

I miss you so much. It’s a very bad day of missing you. Never to see you again is really too long. I hope you are happy. I love you forever and more than you knew.

This day, I have been dreading. To see all the beautiful cards, to want to give her a card, and tell her I love her. To see her, to tell her she is not alone.

But no. I am alone.There is no mom for me to visit. A mom to tell me I have pretty hair and to tell me my puppy is lovely.

She was not here long enough. I wanted to be 60 with her. I wanted her to know the small things she gave me, that meant so much.

Like how she said when someone dies, a new star appears in the sky, and you can always look at the star and know your person is watching you. I was going to tell her that on her birthday, in April, but she died in January.
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My mom apparently considered taking her own life back in 1992. She even left suicide notes for people. On it is a poem, which now, I am beginning to think she wrote.
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I’d like to dedicate this song to my mom, who would have been 67 years old today.

“Mama” by the Spice Girls
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I have been dreaming about my mom so much lately.

I cannot believe how much harder the second year is. Maybe it is reality setting in…
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It’s an odd time. My mom died last January 7. 2002, not 2003. I thought last year would be the worst year, with all the firsts without her, but it does not seem to be the case.
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The other day, I found this quote at Zalary’s:

“People imagine that missing a loved one works kind of like missing cigarettes,” he said. “The first day is really hard but the next day is less hard and so forth, easier and easier the longer you go on. But instead it’s like missing water. Every day you notice the person’s absence more.”

I have been waiting for today to repeat it.

One year ago tonight, my mother died.
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Well, I survived. It was our first thanksgiving since my mom died in January. At first, I was not really thinking about it too much, since we really did not do anything.

But when I checked my messages and had about four messages from well-wishers, it hit me. I will not hear Mom wishing me a happy Thanksgiving this year.
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This is just a sad entry, so if you do not want to wallow with me, then don’t read it.
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I got what looks to be a helpful book tonight at Barnes and Noble. It is called

“Living When A Loved One has Died” by Earl A. Grollman

It makes me cry to read it, but I think I need to. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about losing Mom, about how it makes me feel.
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It’s almost impossible to believe that my mom died 9 months ago. I miss her so much most days, it is almost too much too bear.

The worst times are when I think “Ooh, I gotta call Mom and tell her about this!” and then I get hit with the reality again.

I hate it. I can’t even really talk about it too much yet.

On Monday, I felt Mom come to say goodbye.

It was about 3 pm and I was at work, just trying to get through the day.

I was still hoping they would find out what was wrong and fix it.

All of a sudden, I felt dizzy and felt like everything got lighter, brighter to look at.

I knew she had left the earth.

Oh god. Oh my god.

I am going to go visit Mom and Ivan and all this Christmas.

Mom really wants me too, and I really want to as well.

I missed them so much last Christmas, and even though I sent them a camera to take pictures, they didn’t. Brats. And I would have loved to see Mom’s face when she opened that blender. Damn it was gorgeous.

I wish I was not drinking. I will have to be careful. I hate myself for that.

I am curious to see Mom. She says she looks awful because of the scleroderma and she has to wear wigs. *sad*

It was a living hell.

She got drunk.

She pretended to be all turned on by my tens unit. Trust me, seeing your Mom going Oooh, Aaah, is simply fucking disgusting.

At least I did not see her many years getting rammed from behind like my sister did. Not sure why she was doing it in front of the fucking window, but whatever.

It sucks having a fucked up Mom.